Kate (aida_melodica) wrote in obsessive_love,
Kate
aida_melodica
obsessive_love

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Good, bad, where's neutral?

Hi everyone,

I've been going through a workshop that has helped me get my head clear a little when it comes to wanting to live a healthy, obsession-free lifestyle. I have been busy with stressful family matters (my mom being sick) and have not been able to sit down and have open talks with family like I want to about healthy recovery. I've been testing my own waters; for example, playing music sung by a singer I'm obsessed with and seeing if I still have fantasies and feelings for him and such. Well, now I have a thing that happens where I will let myself fantasize a little because I know recovery isn't suddenly stopping. I'll start to think of something happy and pleasurable (usually a love/sex fantasy) and then I see my stepfather and a flash of the abuse that happened when I was eight. It's like I'm telling myself "Stop it now, this is BAD!" and I get afraid and lose stability. Is there even a neutral here? If so, I surely don't know where it is. I'm treating mom like she doesn't deserve to be treated because I'm tired of her laying around resting, I want her up and better now so I can continue on with my normal life. I feel like such a failure, yes, I'm getting a super A+ in fantasy but a F minus minus infinity minus in reality.
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